Dear Daughter Mary,
My thoughts turn to you, your family, and our wonderful time together over the long weekend. Your father gets such a comfortable smile when we speak of Will and you and your husband and the coming Baby. I can feel myself smile, too. I have even reached the stage of smiling when I think of Willy’s super tantrum on Sunday when he saw the toy train with you and your sister. Though he will be 3 in 4 months, he is still a very young child and he and his desires remain the center of his world, as they should at this time. Will can’t realize or even care that he has so many toys already and that he had just received a Stuart Little car from Grandma, as you explained to him, when he was shrieking. My mother used to say that you couldn’t put an old head on young shoulders. Will showed his strong personality and that he will be a robust adult given you and your family’s firm, loving hand now and in the future. Of course I could tell that that was small consolation to your sister as Will was pulling on her hair and screaming at the top of his hearty lungs when you both were removing “The Boy” from the store. His sneakers didn’t even damage the back of the seat in the car where he kicked for that half hour and apparently your kidneys weren’t bruised sitting in front of him. I’m glad that your sister was there with you to help during that most surprising hurricane force drama. When you three came home, you both looked in shock, Will was at his absolute sweetest and, of course I soon learned that he had blasted all the negativity out of his little body and mind.
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My opinion, should you desire it, is to keep on keeping on. Demands and tantrums show his feeling of worth, security with people he loves, his knowledge that he does get much of what he asks for, that he knows how to manipulate his world, that people pay attention to him and that he saw a marvelous train for sale. Each of those feelings is important for a human being to fit into our society. Without them, Will might not be as confident about his place in the world, not as at ease, and our Willy is comfortable in his world! Would we have him any other way? Never! But where do we go from here-- with our happiness for his security, yet with the realization that someday he will be a teenager and we do not wish to be responsible for the maelstrom a puffed up ego can cause at that age.
First of all, I believe that you did all of the right things at the right time, well, maybe a tad too much explaining to Willy, but never mind, most importantly Will didn’t get the train. Whether he realizes it or not, Willy knows that a huge tantrum may not work. It will take more outbursts where he doesn’t get what he wants. It is imperative that we adults must remain calm, firm and loving while we make the decision whether or not to comply with his wishes. That decision making process can be confusing but we must do our best. Always realize that Willy isn’t being “bad,” he is behaving most reasonably from his point of view. We have to keep firmly in mind that we must behave reasonably keeping our emotions controlled and not feel that our child is embarrassing us. Other people are of no
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concern as long as our behavior is controlled and appropriate and we remove the child if we are disturbing others for more than 60 seconds.
I have come to look at a tantrum this way: for Willy, he expressed unhappiness and outrage when he was denied something he wanted. His outburst was age appropriate and caused no harm. He learned some things, namely, that he can’t have everything he wants, that he is still loved just as much after such a performance and that he can get over both his anger/disappointment and can regain his happiness without the toy train. Dear Daughter, Can you see how experiences such as this one prepare him to be able to deal with frustration in later life? He will love you just as much afterwards, and, believe it or not, he will love you more for giving him boundaries. Willy will handle not getting another pair of sneakers, not having all the electronic games that others in his school class do, not being able to go out to play until he has done his homework or completed his chores, it will give him strength when he loses a girl friend, or experiences the loss of a beloved pet… As that one “little” tantrum “inoculates” him to better deal with larger problems, those larger problems each will help him deal with the “next most important” frustration in his life. It is right that he does not get everything in life; it is the best for him not to get everything he wants, and it is best for you and Daddy, that you say, “No.” to Will regularly. And, Willy’s tantrum was good for you and Auntie to experience. Now you know the potential for outrage that a young child has. You did not know that. I
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saw your shock. At this point you have been reminded to help Will grow by providing disappointments from time to time. Don’t feel bad for him; marvel in his development, even let your heart fill because you, as adults, know that deep sadness that comes to everyone. Sadness is part of our lives and it is beautiful. It brings meaning to our humanity and gives joy its delight. Our ability to handle frustrations, accept “No,” makes us better and happier adults. It could even be said that it keeps us on the right side of the law,
My experience when you were young taught me that your father’s and my daily attitudes and expectations at home affected your behavior when we were out in stores or restaurants. There were limits calmly enforced at home. I knew that if I spoke to you but didn’t insist that you look at me and listen, that you would learn not to listen. Also, I knew to enforce what I asked you to do, not just speak louder and repeat myself until I got tired and gave up. Your Dad and I tried to be consistent. (Of course, we weren’t perfect. I must admit that it was easier if we just put the TV in the playpen to keep you from touching the buttons, and I admit that I did do that.) There were things that you couldn’t touch or play with in our home and in your grandparents’ homes. Dad and I kept you away from such things. Maybe a door would be closed or a statue would be put up high, but, most of the time, we did not give in. For example you couldn’t play near the TV. I would calmly move you from the area of the TV saying, “No, no, not near the TV.” As you got older, I would say, “Mary, come over here with your toy.” Most importantly, and I stress this, within 5 seconds I would be calmly moving toward you to ask you again to move, and then if necessary, move you saying a very short sentence why with a bit of an edge to my voice. Since you had to mind early on, it was easier for you to accept later that you could not run towards the front of the house under any circumstances when we were out in the yard, because we lived close to the road. Learning that was demanded because it was life threatening and when you did go close to the road, I would rush to you, take your hand, and every step we took away from the road you received a sharp pat on your hinder and heard, “Stay away from the road, stay away from the road!” I recall that happening only once. Since you had learned those two earlier safety lessons, it followed that you accepted the rule that you could only ride your bike to a certain tree on the road because past that tree, car drivers could not see you because a small hill would make a blind area. I never remember us having a problem with that rule. I do recall that you wanted to ride farther because other kids did, but I stood by my rule. It was a safety issue and I wouldn’t change my mind. Of course those show a progression of understanding and acceptance of rules for safety. Where does that leave us when safety is not an issue? -- when the child wants a toy train, a toy advertised on the TV, candy, or does not want to wear the clothes that are being put on him? For these requests/demands, parents have to consider what your own common sense tells you keeping in mind the precedent that is being set in the child’s mind.
You know Willy best, if he’s usually reasonable, then decide what you want to do each time as the mood strikes you. Life cannot always be a set of rules to be followed and considered at every turn. Also, there are stages-whether he is hungry more often, afraid more often, being fussy from teething or when “coming down with something” or being demanding more often. For Heaven’s sake, offer a variety of nutritious foods more often when hungry, cuddle and reassure and look carefully in closets and under beds to show that he is safe when he is fearful. (I clearly picture my father down on his knees checking under my bed and opening my closet door searching for my imaginary childhood monsters. As I think of it today, I recall the fear falling away from my shoulders, and I love him more for it.) This does not produce a weak child; it allows self-confidence to thrive. Fussiness, whether over teething, or impending illness or being tired is a trial. We are blessed with children, we adore them, children are fussy so we hug, pat, play, sing, and turn to our family and friends to join us in this ever so difficult and frustrating and rewarding and fulfilling journey in our lives.
The point to keep uppermost in our minds is that later, when the demanding child is more reasonable and we may even wonder why, we adults have done our best and we have behaved as reasonably as possible. We can happily put our heads on our own pillows and be satisfied with our day. Maybe a resolution should be made to reach out to a family member or friend. “Could you come over for an hour or 2 so I can get a nap?” Then resolve to actually lie down and shut your eyes, not chat with the helper. If the offer comes for another day, accept it gratefully. I hope that I don’t need to remind you to keep me on the top of that list.
I send this letter with all of my love to you and Daddy and Our Willy and Abby. Mom
(Keep in mind that the above are opinions from a grandmother. Please consider them carefully, seek your own family members’ opinions and those of professionals in your life such as your pediatrician and school professionals.
Your own Grandma would probably want you to feel free to use, copy, print or share any or all information from her letters. So does LettersFromGrandma.com. Grandma reminds you to give credit to LettersFromGrandma.com so others will know where to go for Grandmotherly opinions. When you print, note that you can save paper by highlighting and “selecting” just what you want to print, you can use the back side of previously used computer paper and you can change the font size and print 4 pages on one sheet of paper—if you can read it—Grandma can’t.)