THIS SECTION COULD BE LABELED EASE OF LIVING TOGETHER BECAUSE THAT IS GENERALLY WHAT IT BOILS DOWN TO. WHEN I WAS TEACHING, PARENTS AND THEIR CHILDREN USED TO WALK DOWN THE HALL BY MY SMALL OFFICE TO GO OUT THE FRONT DOOR OF THE SCHOOL. SOME TIMES I WOULD HEAR A PARENT SAY, “PUT ON YOUR COAT, PUT ON YOUR COAT, PUT ON YOUR COAT, PUT ON YOUR COAT—WELL YOU’RE GOING TO BE COLD THEN.” THE DOOR WOULD CLOSE BEHIND THEM. SOME TIMES I WOULD HEAR, “PUT ON YOUR COAT, PUT ON YOUR COAT, PUT ON YOUR COAT, PUT ON YOUR COAT—I SAID PUT YOUR COAT ON, NOW COME HERE AND I’LL PUT YOUR COAT ON!” I COULD TELL THAT OFTEN THOSE CHILDREN DID NOT HEAR THEIR TEACHER’S LESSONS OR RESPOND TO DIRECTIONS BECAUSE THEY WERE NOT TAUGHT TO AT HOME.
SOMETIMES I WOULD HEAR, “PUT ON YOUR COAT.” SILENCE. THE PARENT HAD SIT DOWN ON THE BENCH IN THE HALL AND THE CHILD WAS PUTTING ON HIS COAT OR WAS BEING HELPED WITH HIS COAT, DEPENDING ON HIS AGE. I COULD TELL THAT THIS CHILD USUALLY LISTENED AND RESPONDED TO HIS TEACHERS’ LESSONS AND FOLLOWED DIRECTIONS FOR THE MOST PART.
I HAD BEEN IN THAT SMALL OFFICE FOR YEARS BEFORE I WAS ACTUALLY AWARE OF THESE PARENT/CHILD EXCHANGES. I GUESS I HAD BEEN OBLIVIOUS TO ALL THE CHATTER IN THE HALL AND I DON’T REMEMBER WHY I HEARD THAT FIRST ONE. AFTER I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, I REALIZED THAT I MIGHT BE HEARING MUCH MORE THAN DIFFERENT CHILDREN IGNORING OR LISTENING TO THEIR PARENTS. I WONDERED WHICH CHILD MIGHT BE EASIER TO LIVE WITH. THEN I WONDERED WHICH PARENT MIGHT BE EASIER TO LIVE WITH AND EVEN WHICH HOME MIGHT BE MORE PLEASANT TO LIVE IN! THESE QUESTIONS CAME TO ME OVER A PERIOD OF MONTHS ALONG WITH WHAT I THOUGHT WERE THEIR ANSWERS.
I REMEMBER REALIZING THAT MY CHILDREN DIDN’T SEEM TO LISTEN AND FOLLOW DIRECTIONS UNTIL THEY WERE TODDLING FOR QUITE A WHILE. I HAVE A SNAPSHOT MEMORY OF WHEN I ASKED ED TO BRING ME THE NEWSPAPER—AND HE DID! HE WAS AS SURPRISED AND PLEASED AS I WAS! I RECALL THINKING THAT CHILDREN MIGHT ACTUALLY BE HELPFUL! I REALIZED THAT ED WAS AT THE AGE WHERE I COULD AND SHOULD EXPECT HIM TO FOLLOW SIMPLE DIRECTIONS. MANY YEARS LATER I READ THAT AGE WAS ABOUT 18 MONTHS AND I REMEMBERED IT BECAUSE OF THAT SHARP MEMORY OF SO LONG AGO. CONSEQUENTLY, I SUGGEST THAT YOU REMEMBER THAT BEFORE 18 MONTHS YOU PRACTICE UNENDING PATIENCE WITH YOUR TODDLER, LOVINGLY REDIRECTING HIM AWAY FROM DANGER AND/OR REMOVING INAPPROPRITE THINGS FROM HIS REACH. (AT ALL YOUNG AGES TRULY DANGEROUS THINGS SHOULD BE LOCKED AWAY FROM YOUR CHILD AND NEW ENVIRONMENTS CHECKED FOR DANGER.) WHEN YOUR CHILD IS YOUNGER THAN ABOUT 18 MONTHS, HE IS TRULY UNABLE TO LISTEN AND STAY AWAY FROM DANGER. HE DOES NOT MEAN TO BE NAUGHTY, NOR DOES HE MEAN TO ANNOY, HE IS SIMPLY NOT DEVELOPED ENOUGH TO “MIND.” NO AMOUNT OF EXASPERATION OR ANNOYANCE WILL HELP THE SITUATION. SO REALIZING THE CHILD’S AGE AND LIMITATIONS CAN RELAX YOU TO BE THE ACCEPTING ADULT. SOMEWHERE AROUND 18-19 MONTHS YOU CAN START TO GENTLY EXPECT YOUR CHILD TO LISTEN TO SOME SIMPLE DIRECTIONS. YOU MUST REMEMBER THAT YOUR CHILD NEEDS TO LEARN THAT HE CAN LISTEN, TOO. GIVE SIMPLE SINGLE DIRECTIONS TO START WITH. YOU AND YOUR TODDLER WILL BE DELIGHTED AT THE RESULTS. PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THAT HE WANTS TO PLEASE YOU BUT FOLLOWING DIRECTIONS DOES NOT COME NATURALLY. DON’T GIVE A DIRECTION WHEN THE CHILD IS NOT READY TO LISTEN—WHEN HE IS PLAYING, WATCHING SOMETHING NEW, LISTENING TO MUSIC, TIRED, HUNGRY, UNCOMFORTABLE, NOT FEELING WELL OR CRANKY FOR A REASON VERY IMPORTANT TO HIM BUT UNRECOGNIZABLE TO AN ADULT. HE IS UNABLE TO LISTEN TO YOU AND FOLLOW A DIRECTION, SO GIVE HIM AND YOURSELF A BREAK AND DON’T EXPECT IT. START AT HOME WITH SMALL AND INFREQUENT REQUESTS. ASK ONLY FOR WHAT IS NECESSARY AND POSSIBLE—“COME HERE,” IS A GOOD DIRECTION TO START WITH. IT IS POSSIBLE AND NECESSARY. ABOVE ALL, DO NOT GIVE A DIRECTION UNLESS YOU ARE READY TO ENFORCE IT. IF YOU UNWILLING OR UNABLE TO HELP YOUR CHILD FOLLOW A DIRECTION, DO NOT GIVE A DIRECTION. TO ENFORCE “COME HERE,” MEANS TO QUIETLY AND CALMLY AND IMMEDIATELY GO TO YOUR CHILD, TAKE HIS HAND, LEAD HIM TO WHERE YOU WERE SAYING “COME HERE,” AND SAY “GOOD BOY.” IF YOU HAVE DIRECTED HIM TO BRING YOU SOMETHING AND HE DOESN’T START TO DO IT, QUIETLY AND CALMLY AND IMMEDIATELY GO TO YOUR CHILD, HELP HIM GET THE ITEM, LEAD HIM TO WHERE YOU WERE, PLEASENTLY REPEATING THE DIRECTION AND SAY, “THANK YOU.” IN THESE EARLY STAGES OF LEARNING THERE IS NO NEED FOR RAISING YOUR VOICE. LATER ON YOU SHOULD USE A FIRMER VOICE FOR REMINDING, BUT EARLY LEARNING IS ALWAYS BEST ACCOMPLISHED WITH A CALM EVERYDAY LOVING VOICE. WATCH YOURSELF FOR A SINGSONGY OR BABYTALK VOICE WHICH, IF YOU HEARD YOURSELF, WOULD ANNOY YOU. YOU CAN SEE THAT THIS TECHNIQUE SHOULD CHANGE OVER MONTHS AND YEARS, BUT ALWAYS BE READY TO ENFORCE YOUR REASONABLE REQUEST. THEN WHEN YOU ASK YOUR CHILD TO PUT HIS COAT ON, YOU CAN EXPECT IT TO CALMLY HAPPEN. THERE WILL BE BUMPS ALONG THE ROAD—REMEMBER TO EXPECT THEM.
NOW WHAT SHOULD BE DONE IF TIME HAS GONE BY WITH THE PARENT CONSTANTLY REPEATING, THE CHILD NOT LISTENING AND NOT MINDING OR ARGUING, OR BOTH? THE PARENT MUST GO BACK AND LITERALY START AS THOUGH THE CHILD WERE 18 OR 19 MONTHS OLD: (I AM REPEATING GENERALLY FROM EARLIER IN THIS LETTER) YOU MUST REMEMBER THAT YOUR CHILD NEEDS TO LEARN THAT HE CAN LISTEN, TOO. GIVE SIMPLE SINGLE DIRECTIONS TO START WITH. YOU AND YOUR CHILD WILL BE PLEASED WITH THE RESULTS. PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THAT HE WILL BE HAPPY WITH HIMSELF TO LEARN TO MIND YOU, BUT FOLLOWING DIRECTIONS DOES NOT COME NATURALLY. DON’T GIVE A DIRECTION WHEN THE CHILD IS NOT READY TO LISTEN—WHEN HE IS PLAYING, WATCHING SOMETHING NEW, LISTENING TO MUSIC, TIRED, HUNGRY, UNCOMFORTABLE, NOT FEELING WELL OR CRANKY FOR A REASON VERY IMPORTANT TO HIM BUT UNRECOGNIZABLE TO AN ADULT, HE IS UNABLE TO LISTEN TO YOU AND FOLLOW A DIRECTION, SO GIVE HIM AND YOURSELF A BREAK AND DON’T EXPECT IT. START AT HOME WITH SMALL AND INFREQUENT REQUESTS. ASK ONLY FOR WHAT IS NECESSARY AND POSSIBLE. NOW FOR THE NEW SUGGESTIONS: PERHAPS “HANG YOUR COAT UP” IS A GOOD PLACE TO START. FIRST, PLEASE CONSIDER--IS THERE A PLACE TO HANG IT UP? IF SO, LET’S START, “ED, HANG YOUR COAT UP, PLEASE.” IF HE DOES NOT MIND, MAKE YOUR QUIET, CALM, IMMEDIATE MOVE AND LOVINGLY TOUCH HIM OR TURN HIM SO HE CAN SEE THAT IT’S EASY AND POSSIBLE. WHEN IT’S DONE, SAY MATTER OF FACTLY, “THANK YOU, THAT’S HELPFUL.”
YOU MIGHT
BE TEMPTED TO TELL HIM TO PUT HIS BOOKBAG ON A CHAIR, TOO, BUT CONSIDER IT. IS
IT A SMALL STEP THAT YOU FEEL HE WILL RESPOND TO? YOU HAVE TO START OUT
WITH POSITIVE RESULTS AND YOU KNOW YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILD BEST. DO NOT SET
YOURSELF UP FOR RESISTANCE SO EARLY. YOUR NEXT REQUEST MIGHT BE “COME TO THE
TABLE FOR SUPPER.” BUT LET’S MAKE IT MORE POSSIBLE BY TELLING HIM EARLIER THAT
IN A FEW MINUTES SUPPER WILL BE READY AND THAT YOU WILL CALL HIM TO COME TO THE
TABLE. WHEN THE MEAL IS ON THE TABLE, CALL YOUR CHILD’S NAME AND WHEN HE LOOKS
OR ANSWERS, SAY, “COME TO THE TABLE NOW.” IF HE DOESN’T MOVE IMMEDIATELY, GO TO
HIM, TAKE HIS HAND AND PLEASENTLY REPEAT THE DIRECTION, “COME TO THE TABLE
NOW.” WHEN HE SITS GO ABOUT THE CALM ROUTINE OF DINNER WITHOUT COMMENT.
DEPENDING ON HOW YOU BELIEVE HE WOULD RESPOND TO A REQUEST TO TAKE HIS PLATE TO
THE SINK, YOU MAY OR MAY NOT INCLUDE THAT REQUEST. MIGHT HE COMPLY? HOW WOULD
YOU BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT IF HE NEEDS “ASSISTANCE” MINDING. MAYBE THAT WILL BE
ALL FOR TODAY. HOWEVER, CONTINUE TO PLEASENTLY REPEAT THOSE TWO DIRECTIONS
WHENEVER THEY ARE NEEDED—EACH TIME A COAT IS REMOVED—EACH TIME YOU SERVE A
MEAL. BUILD ON THIS FOUNDATION FOR A FEW DAYS. SOME EVENING CONSIDER IF
PROGRESS IS BEING MADE AND DECIDE IF YOU NEED TO GO BACK AND REINFORCE YOUR
REQUESTS AND RESPONSES AND YOUR CHILD’S REACTIONS. IF THINGS SEEM TO BE FALLING
INTO PLACE, DECIDE ON YOUR NEXT STEPS. KEEP THEM FEW UNTIL THEY ARE ALL
SMOOTH. TRYING TO BUILD TOO QUICKLY CAN CAUSE SOME CHILDREN TO REBEL AND SOME
ADULTS TO “BLOW.” TRY TO LET THE CHILD’S WORDS ROLL OVER YOU AND DON’T
RESPOND-ONLY CALMLY REPEAT THE SHORT DIRECTION. I HAVE SEEN CHILDREN ENJOY
SEEING AN ADULT’S ANGER. DO NOT FALL INTO THE TRAP OF MAKING A SIMPLE REQUEST
INTO A BATTLE OF WILLS—ONLY REPEAT IT ONCE WHILE SOOTHINGLY AND WITH A SOFT
TOUCH LEAD THE CHILD TO COMPLY. IF FRUSTRATION COMES OVER YOU, WASH YOUR FACE
OR HANDS AND SETTLE YOURSELF. SMILE—THINGS WILL WORK OUT. SOME CHILDREN MAY
SMOOTHLY MOVE INTO BETTER BEHAVIOR WHEN THEY SOMEHOW FEEL THAT IT MAKES THEIR
OWN LIFE EASIER. DON’T LET THINGS BACKSLIDE. SOMETIMES ASKING FOR SOMETHING
SMALL AND SEEING IT DONE CAN BRING BOTH ADULT AND CHILD TOGETHER FOR A HUG AND A
DEEP BREATH. WHEN EITHER YOU OR THE CHILD IS TIRED, HUNGRY, STRESSED OR NOT
FEELING WELL DON’T GIVE A DIRECTION THAT MIGHT BE MET WITH RESISTANCE. FEW
THINGS ARE AS REFRESHING AS HAVING YOUR FACE WASHED WITH A WARM WASHCLOTH AND A
HUG. BABY STEPS FOR EVERYONE. KEEP ON KEEPING ON. YOU ARE LEARNING AS WELL AS
YOUR CHILD. WHEN YOU ARE READY START A COUPLE NEW DIRECTIONS. DECIDE WHAT ONES
WOULD MAKE LIFE JUST A BIT EASIER FOR THE HOUSEHOLD AND REPEAT THE PROCESS.
SMILE.
** Please, keep in mind that the above are opinions from a grandmother. Please consider them carefully, seek your own family members’ opinions and those of professionals in your life such as your pediatrician and school professionals.
Your own Grandma would probably want you to feel free to use, copy, print or share any or all information from her letters. So does www.LettersFromGrandma.com. Grandma reminds you to give credit to LettersFromGrandma.com so others will know where to go for Grandmotherly opinions. When you print, note that you can save paper by highlighting and “selecting” just what you want to print, you can use the back side of previously used computer paper and you can change the font size and print 4 pages on one sheet of paper—if you can read it—Grandma can’t.)